2004-01-21 - 5:48 p.m.
I'm back in Austin. Have been for about a week and a half.
I'm not exactly happy about this. I want things to be different. For example, I don't want to have to drive everywhere. I forgot exactly how much I hate to drive ... which is a whole whole lot.
It is very good to see my friends and aquaintances, but they haven't solved my biggest problem which is what to do with myself during the day. In the next couple of months I am going to have to acquire more money and I don't want to. Not that I don't want more money. I just don't want to do what common sense tells me I must. Or I should say what general opinion, society, whatever ... says I must. That being get a regular job.
The truth is I want to be a writer. But I feel like a goddamned fool saying that. I want to be a writer. I want to be a ballerina. I want to be a vet. I want to be a horse. I feel like a little kid with a big dream who has no idea how to make it happen, isn't even aware that something has to be done to make it happen. It is simple enough to say 'I want to be a writer.' But you actually have to do something about it.
And it seems so hard, here especially. It seemed easier in Mexico to think about that. I didn't have to tell anyone but myself. But now, now that my money is running out, its a different story.
