2004-09-07 - 3:41 a.m.
It has been awhile, hasn't it?
How am I? Have I fully adjusted to life back in the US? I'll tell you what. I think I am back where I started before I left.
For some other person, this might mean that Yes in fact I am fully adjusted.
But for me, No. I'm just unadjusted in exactly the way I was when I left.
Which means that I really want to go away again.
Life is really fucking hard. People die. Friends drift apart. Finances are nervewracking. My job bores me. I feel like I'm going nowhere.
On an up note, driving no longer seems like torture.
And I'm in love. It is the craziest thing. I honestly never thought it would happen to me again. I truly thought it would not happen like this. I sort of expected that I would meet someone eventually and we would click and decide to make a go of it.
I never thought my heart would ache like this. I never thought I'd have someone in my life who'd make me cry with happiness.
I am not going anywhere. Really. I'm staying put. I decided last year around this time that I want to stay where I am and make things work. My impulse is to run away but I know that I'll just rediscover the same situation and the same people wherever I go. The same feeling that I need to escape. The sense that somewhere else things are better.
